I haven’t written in weeks now. The last entry I posted was in the midst of a troubled time in our dynamic rife with miscommunication. Though the words that prompted that last post were discussed and laid to rest almost immediately after, I found myself feeling hesitant to begin writing again. By that point, I had lost direction for why I was writing in the first place. Self-motivated catharsis wasn’t enough of a reason anymore. I knew that I enjoyed writing. I knew that for many reasons I needed to be writing, but I was beginning to recognize that it would have meant more if he wanted me to write. I knew that a lot of times, what I posted could be very informative to him. I knew that my writing could be used as a tool for him and to provide him with that tool could feel like service if it was what he wanted. But this wasn’t something we had discussed. And writing for myself just didn’t seem as appealing as writing for myself because of him, because he expressed his desire for it.
I am familiar with this feeling. It’s a feeling of restlessness or listlessness that accompanies the realization that something I enjoy doing has become something I want to offer. It’s difficult when I make this realization because it then becomes something I so very badly want to offer and inadvertently invest a lot of emotion into, but talking about it could come off as trying to tell him that I should do something, which in turn is like telling him how to dominate me. Which is something neither of us wants.
But I did bring it up eventually, during my long blogging hiatus, a few weeks ago. I didn’t bring it up as well as I could have. I was vague and asking leading, open-ended questions rather than just being forthright about what I thought and how I felt and then deferring to his judgement. It was not a great initial conversation. We had to put a pin in it for a while because of school and work. But this week he came back and he gave me his decision.
I am to resume my writing. He had been checking my tumblr for weeks, wondering when I was going to post again. He looked forward to them. So now he’s given me orders to write at least once a week, at least a paragraph, reblogs don’t count. Now that we’ve signed our contract and started more formal training and projects, there have been and will continue to be more changes, introductions and re-introductions of duties and responsibilities that I am very excited about.
Now it’s just a matter of rediscovering the voice within that tells me what to write and how. Also, I need to remember all of the tags I used to use, too!