I feel a little giddy. For the most part, I’m tired and I’m annoyed at having all this school work piled up to stress over and knowing it’s all my fault for letting it get like this. But under all that stress of dealing with obligations, I feel giddy. It’s like a happiness fluttering in a small dark room inside me somewhere. And the happy fluttering is about you.
I think about the first kiss, which I know I get confused with the time you crawled over me in the dark for a lustful kiss. I remember the passing feeling of shame, in either case, that I was acting on lust when I knew deep down I had something more for you already. Not love, not at that point, but an intense feeling that drew me to you anyway, even then.
I think about that first kiss and know that even then, this giddiness had been there, this feeling from our beginning. It’s still there though. This fluttery feeling of happiness. And sometimes it gets forgotten in the noise and responsibilities of every day, but it never fades, if anything it has grown stronger.
Anyway, this would never have fit on a Post-It. I’m remembering our beginnings and the feelings that began then are still strong now. I think that is significant. I think that is worth saying. A lot of times those first feelings can fade and become replaced by something else….
I’m telling you, those something else’s (like love and submission) did grow, but it didn’t replace those first feelings. Those first feelings: shy and hopeful and flattered when you flirt with me, thinking about you throughout my whole day as if we had only just met last week and I can’t wait to see you again, wanting to go out with you and walking the sidewalks.
I spent a while wandering before I met you. And now that I’ve been found by what I was looking for, I want to wander again, but WITH you. All the places I used to go, all the mindsets I used to have while I was alone - the solitary wanderer, I want to share all those things with you. I want to re-write my history, adding you to every place and feeling in my memory, where you belong, where I belong.
Let’s make it happen. I love you
Absolutely. Let’s. I love you. I think you are amazing. Really. I think about what I was yearning for then, just before we met, during those first nights. It used to hurt me, how badly I wanted these things. I thought I would never have them. I would ache for it so hard that my body would feel ache in my muscles and bones. I felt cold and lonely and I was learning to numb the parts of myself that wanted so badly that it hurt. An incredible longing.
But now I have those things. I have the potential of even more of those things in a future with you.
I have those things. I wake up with those things, those feelings that I longed for, they are mine and with me because of you. I wake up every morning, and even from a terrible dream, I feel relief at the sight of you, the feel of you, in bed with me.
The first time I’ve looked into your eyes, every morning, for over a year now, I’ve felt relief to the depth of my heart. “You, my love, are here,” my heart feels it tells me in an instant of emotion, without any explicit words. You are here, you are here, you are here.
I don’t want to be anywhere else. You are here. And I belong with you. This daily exultation keeps me grateful and present. Not a single day should be taken for granted, not when I wake up feeling so firmly and assuredly that HERE is where I belong, with you and to you.
Even in fear, even on our worst days, even after nights without decent sleep. Even in failure, both yours and mine, I wake up grateful to be where I am, next to you.
I will do everything and anything I possibly can to make sure that I never leave this place of belonging with you, belonging to you, next to you each morning. I’ve looked for too long and it means too much. You make my happy. You make parts of me feel alive that had been waiting for so long. The promise of our future together is endless and full of adventure, and I see us giving each other what we need in order to grow and be better.
I realize now my acts of submission start each day in the moment I wake, when I see you there and submit my heart and another day of my life to you.