The other day, while Sir was at work and I was being a productive, busy bee at home, we exchanged some very sweet messages. I was missing him so much and just couldn’t wait for him to get home. Even though it was still a few hours until he would arrive, I got that excited puppy feeling just from thinking about being with him and I think that came through somewhat in my messages.
Then he gave me an exercise: to go to our dungeon (I still can’t believe we are lucky enough to have a spare room devoted to being our dungeon ^__^) and sit on the stool there for 5 minutes, eyes closed, and reflect on our power dynamic, our relationship, his love for me, and my love for him. I set the timer on my phone for 5 minutes and sat in the darkened room, doing what I was instructed to do.
It was so surprising how quickly I fell into the meditative mindset. I must have had so many thoughts and feeling waiting to be acknowledged in such a manner. Because I felt no distracting physical sensations like itches or tickles or discomfort. I closed my eyes and told myself what I was supposed to be thinking about and my brain unfolded itself in a series of flashes and emotions. Time flew by. Usually, exercises like that seem to stretch on and on into the silence when I think about guided meditations from high school gym class or even my own attempts meditate years before. But this time was so different.
I didn’t have to guide or push my mind along to continue being faithful to the exercise. My brain and my heart wanted this, it seemed, because it all came on its own. I thought about our beginning, like a movie montage of clips from our past - walking around Chicago in the winter for hours just so we wouldn’t have to part ways and go home, the feeling that was starting to grow in me then - the slightly scared and nervous exhilaration of falling for someone. I thought about the fact that we have had fights but mostly recalled the feeling of resolving those fights and feeling proud of him and us. I felt my own responsibility in those fights and found myself wanting to try harder, from now on, to be fair, to be less impulsive, to be less reactionary, to be more responsible emotionally, to be more careful and loving when it’s hard to be, when we are fighting, when we are struggling.
I felt my love for him bubbling up inside of me, like herbs growing more aromatic and strong in a boiling pot. The exercise was bringing it all up to the surface. My love had grown a little dormant, had settled a little, become comfortable but sedentary. It happens, I know. And it takes effort and attention to bring that back to life. But just this five minute exercise was enough. I love Sir so much. I really do. I think about where I was emotionally in past relationships during the year and a half mark and it was usually in a pretty rough patch or riddled with doubts about the relationship that needed to be assuaged. But that doesn’t happen here with him. If anything, I grow more sure about him about the fact that I want to be with him.
Love is a choice and I maintain that. Knowing that love is a choice, an active choice that you make with your words and actions, instills the sense of personal agency and responsibility. Love doesn’t just happen and continue to happen. It needs to be fed, it needs to be maintained, it needs to be a choice that you make regularly, consistently. He chooses me. And I choose him. In this 5 minute exercise, I was slammed with all the reasons why I would choose him again and again. He always tries to be the best him. And I was slammed with all the reasons why I want to be the best me I can be for him, the man who chose me - he who chooses me every night when he tethers me to his bed, our bed.
5 minutes. It felt like 20 seconds. But had the ramifications of months of loving edification. I doubt it will be that powerful every time. But I’m so happy that this first time was all that it had been.