A heart’s a heavy burden.
A heart’s a heavy burden.
I believe I am more fierce inside than I practice in the application of my life. So when I am reminded or catch a glimpse or a rushing whisper from my heart, it makes me feel all at once an exhilaration overwhelming joy mixed with a tiny strand of sadness that I had not been acting on these desires and needs all along. But life does that sometimes, I let life do that sometimes.
For the past few months, I’ve been focusing a lot on keeping the nose to the grindstone, emotionally, to help address the various rough patches that Chief and I had encountered or created. I had to address my part of those problems and work on it. I had to work on communication. I had to work on my own self-awareness and how I had been changing while I was not paying attention to my own self, motivations, and modus operandi. I had to fix some of this accidental evolution of my own behavior. I still am.
But for whatever reason, I’m starting to lift my metaphorical nose from the grindstone, seeing the reality of my life and relationship without the filter of the work we had been doing. And it’s beautiful and amazing, the seeds we had planted beginning to blossom. Honestly, it’s been a little bit overwhelming, in a silent and introspective way, to notice how great our love is, how amazing Sir is as a boyfriend and Dominant and partner, how profoundly my love has become for him.
It feels like we were excited and planted a garden before we knew the first thing about caring for a garden. We made mistakes and some of the leaves wilted, some of the branches died and when the emotional winter came, the plants became dormant while we spent our energy elsewhere, talking to each other, reading up, talking to others, going to events, going to classes, talking to each other some more, arguing, negotiating, defining, talking. And we’ve done all this prep and made all these changes just in time for the spring when the garden comes back to life and now we know how to handle so much of what we didn’t understand before. Why, what, and where to prune. Over-watering and under-watering, diseases, and pests. We don’t know it all, but we do know so much more. And my heart is flowering with the relationship as it grows.
This is all such a terrible way to describe it. This is one of those instances where my words are not enough to portray the depth and the newness of this feeling, the various facets of it, the wholeness of it.
I love my Sir. With all my heart. In a way that makes me feel vulnerable, trembling, and nervous about how wide, wide open it makes my heart seem.
Hey, if any of you beautiful folks are on a kink-friendly twitter, I’d love to check them out and follow you back. Reply with your twitter account.
Let’s be friends?
The other day, while Sir was at work and I was being a productive, busy bee at home, we exchanged some very sweet messages. I was missing him so much and just couldn’t wait for him to get home. Even though it was still a few hours until he would arrive, I got that excited puppy feeling just from thinking about being with him and I think that came through somewhat in my messages.
Then he gave me an exercise: to go to our dungeon (I still can’t believe we are lucky enough to have a spare room devoted to being our dungeon ^__^) and sit on the stool there for 5 minutes, eyes closed, and reflect on our power dynamic, our relationship, his love for me, and my love for him. I set the timer on my phone for 5 minutes and sat in the darkened room, doing what I was instructed to do.
It was so surprising how quickly I fell into the meditative mindset. I must have had so many thoughts and feeling waiting to be acknowledged in such a manner. Because I felt no distracting physical sensations like itches or tickles or discomfort. I closed my eyes and told myself what I was supposed to be thinking about and my brain unfolded itself in a series of flashes and emotions. Time flew by. Usually, exercises like that seem to stretch on and on into the silence when I think about guided meditations from high school gym class or even my own attempts meditate years before. But this time was so different.
I didn’t have to guide or push my mind along to continue being faithful to the exercise. My brain and my heart wanted this, it seemed, because it all came on its own. I thought about our beginning, like a movie montage of clips from our past - walking around Chicago in the winter for hours just so we wouldn’t have to part ways and go home, the feeling that was starting to grow in me then - the slightly scared and nervous exhilaration of falling for someone. I thought about the fact that we have had fights but mostly recalled the feeling of resolving those fights and feeling proud of him and us. I felt my own responsibility in those fights and found myself wanting to try harder, from now on, to be fair, to be less impulsive, to be less reactionary, to be more responsible emotionally, to be more careful and loving when it’s hard to be, when we are fighting, when we are struggling.
I felt my love for him bubbling up inside of me, like herbs growing more aromatic and strong in a boiling pot. The exercise was bringing it all up to the surface. My love had grown a little dormant, had settled a little, become comfortable but sedentary. It happens, I know. And it takes effort and attention to bring that back to life. But just this five minute exercise was enough. I love Sir so much. I really do. I think about where I was emotionally in past relationships during the year and a half mark and it was usually in a pretty rough patch or riddled with doubts about the relationship that needed to be assuaged. But that doesn’t happen here with him. If anything, I grow more sure about him about the fact that I want to be with him.
Love is a choice and I maintain that. Knowing that love is a choice, an active choice that you make with your words and actions, instills the sense of personal agency and responsibility. Love doesn’t just happen and continue to happen. It needs to be fed, it needs to be maintained, it needs to be a choice that you make regularly, consistently. He chooses me. And I choose him. In this 5 minute exercise, I was slammed with all the reasons why I would choose him again and again. He always tries to be the best him. And I was slammed with all the reasons why I want to be the best me I can be for him, the man who chose me - he who chooses me every night when he tethers me to his bed, our bed.
5 minutes. It felt like 20 seconds. But had the ramifications of months of loving edification. I doubt it will be that powerful every time. But I’m so happy that this first time was all that it had been.
I have begun to realize, far more keenly, how important the little moments are. I have written a lot about our missteps and the big arguments because those have greater and louder emotional repercussions. But the events of yesterday remind me that the stolen, unscripted moments when we reconnect during the day are more significant.
When I write, I reinforce the reality of what I am writing about because I must relive it in the writing. Like many people, I find it easier to write when things are effecting me negatively rather than positively because writing, for me, is catharsis. When something negative happens, I want to purge it from me and I do that by writing. When something positive happens, I horde that feeling into myself and it doesn’t get written. But when it doesn’t get written, it doesn’t get reinforced as a reality and when the positive experience gets forgotten in the pages of time and memory, there is no evidence in the actual book (or web) pages.
Power exchange requires effort, an effort that may be rewarded beyond your expectations, but an effort all the same. The mundane concerns of life can sometimes (or often times) steal attention and energy away from that effort and mindfulness. Work, school, home, friends - you have responsibilities in all these things and sometimes, unfortunately, juggling all the spheres of life may mean that you don’t get to devote as much time and energy to your power exchange as you want. This is why it’s important, I’m realizing more and more, to celebrate the little moments.
The other day, after Chief came home from work and needed to get cracking on his final paper for school, we made our plans for the evening: he would focus on his paper, I would finish and tidy up the mess I had made unpacking and organizing the dining room (it had become our dumping ground for all our boxes when we first moved in and there was a LOT we had yet to go through) and then I’d work on dinner for the both of us. At some point, I had walked into the office, where he was working, and he must have caught a look in my eye that I hadn’t known I was broadcasting. After a meaningful kiss, he ordered me to get on my knees then and there and he pushed the side of my head into him. Immediately I felt my submission and his dominance flood my senses. He praised me warmly and told me I was where I belonged. And I languished in the feeling. We had planned a few days earlier to scene for that night, but our schedules and responsibilities were not complying with our desires and I had known that and made my peace with it. But this unexpected moment of reinforcement, where our dynamic stole the spotlight in our list of vanilla responsibilities was significant. It made me feel loved. It made my need feel acknowledged. It made me feel loving and allowed me to love him in the way he needed it then, too.
Little moments say, “Yes, vanilla responsibilities are important, but this is important, too.”
… this http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201312/can-jealousy-be-retroactive
… feeling deep melancholy when thinking how all of his meaningful firsts have gone to other women in his past.
… not feeling unique because his common physical expressions of endearment already comes with a story and the story is of his ex.
… knowing he thinks you are unique, but still feeling buried and rendered a little less significant under the weight of stories from his past.
… incredibly frustrating and damaging for a relationship.
… a seed that can grow wildly when ignored.
… rooted in insecurity/a lack of confidence.
… one of my weaknesses.
… something I need to learn how to manage and kill like a weed.
… an issue I need insight and help with.
The 10 seconds we did positioning in scene once was fucking amazing. Just saying. JUST. FUCKING. SAYING. Ugh want.
A couple weeks ago we stumbled upon/accidentally created for us what is turning out to be a really, really helpful communication tool. We’ve been calling it the “Emotional Checklist.” In the past (and present) we’ve had a few communication barriers and problems we’ve had to get through. For example, I would have a problem interrupting when I was upset or felt like I needed to correct a misconception. Or he would have a problem with being defensive which would cause him to mentally reject whatever I would be saying. These are big problems and we have encountered them before and have developed solutions for them. The problem was that in moments of emotional discord, it was difficult or impossible to remember a solution we may have come up with months ago.
So what we started doing is before having a conversation regarding a touchy or contentious subject, we would go through the emotional checklist. Really, it is a list of assurances we verbally make to each other to keep in mind our known weaknesses and that we are open to listening to the other person. It takes about a minute, maybe two, to do and it makes a huge difference in the conversation and our mental and emotional well-being.
For example, one of the things off my checklist is that I tell him something along the lines of, “I know that nothing you say is intended to hurt me. I will do my best to not interrupt because your opinion and feelings are important to me. Understanding you and you feeling understood is what I want.” These statements address my past failure to refrain from interrupting and acknowledge his need to be able to get his thoughts out without those ideas being attacked before they are even expressed. It also instills in me a greater degree of specific purposefulness to be vigilant against one of my communication flaws.
An example of one of his is that he says something like, “I don’t feel defensive right now and what I have to say is not coming from that feeling. No decisions are coming from this conversation, we are just discussing ideas.” These two statements address the biggest things I struggle with from his end of communication. And by saying these things, I know he is aware of them and also more alert in case any defensiveness may start arising in him. Another issue that this preamble lays to rest is that in the past, sometimes our discussions of ideas may not (for me) be on the table to take into action just yet, but that distinction was not made and I would later feel pressured or expected to do something that was just a musing or far-off goal that I had shared with him. Then not being willing or able to do that thing for him would make me feel a sense of failure. So this assurance in his emotional checklist, puts this feeling of pressure aside so that I can once again feel safe and open to share some of these thoughts and desires when the feeling of failure had made me refrain from speaking of them in the past.
It’s common knowledge that when communicating with someone, you want to create a safe environment for both individuals to voice their ideas and concerns. And while this is something we had wanted and striven for, sometimes reactionary emotions get the better of all your intentions. So making these mutual assurances that are tailored to our specific triggers has been revolutionary. It means that we are able to put more focus on the topic at hand and get to the meat of the matter. It also means that hard conversations are not made unnecessarily harder.