Me earlier this evening while Sir was working on class stuff. ;_;
I feel a little giddy. For the most part, I’m tired and I’m annoyed at having all this school work piled up to stress over and knowing it’s all my fault for letting it get like this. But under all that stress of dealing with obligations, I feel giddy. It’s like a happiness fluttering in a small dark room inside me somewhere. And the happy fluttering is about you.
I think about the first kiss, which I know I get confused with the time you crawled over me in the dark for a lustful kiss. I remember the passing feeling of shame, in either case, that I was acting on lust when I knew deep down I had something more for you already. Not love, not at that point, but an intense feeling that drew me to you anyway, even then.
I think about that first kiss and know that even then, this giddiness had been there, this feeling from our beginning. It’s still there though. This fluttery feeling of happiness. And sometimes it gets forgotten in the noise and responsibilities of every day, but it never fades, if anything it has grown stronger.
Anyway, this would never have fit on a Post-It. I’m remembering our beginnings and the feelings that began then are still strong now. I think that is significant. I think that is worth saying. A lot of times those first feelings can fade and become replaced by something else….
I’m telling you, those something else’s (like love and submission) did grow, but it didn’t replace those first feelings. Those first feelings: shy and hopeful and flattered when you flirt with me, thinking about you throughout my whole day as if we had only just met last week and I can’t wait to see you again, wanting to go out with you and walking the sidewalks.
I spent a while wandering before I met you. And now that I’ve been found by what I was looking for, I want to wander again, but WITH you. All the places I used to go, all the mindsets I used to have while I was alone - the solitary wanderer, I want to share all those things with you. I want to re-write my history, adding you to every place and feeling in my memory, where you belong, where I belong.
Let’s make it happen. I love you
Absolutely. Let’s. I love you. I think you are amazing. Really. I think about what I was yearning for then, just before we met, during those first nights. It used to hurt me, how badly I wanted these things. I thought I would never have them. I would ache for it so hard that my body would feel ache in my muscles and bones. I felt cold and lonely and I was learning to numb the parts of myself that wanted so badly that it hurt. An incredible longing.
But now I have those things. I have the potential of even more of those things in a future with you.
I have those things. I wake up with those things, those feelings that I longed for, they are mine and with me because of you. I wake up every morning, and even from a terrible dream, I feel relief at the sight of you, the feel of you, in bed with me.
The first time I’ve looked into your eyes, every morning, for over a year now, I’ve felt relief to the depth of my heart. “You, my love, are here,” my heart feels it tells me in an instant of emotion, without any explicit words. You are here, you are here, you are here.
I don’t want to be anywhere else. You are here. And I belong with you. This daily exultation keeps me grateful and present. Not a single day should be taken for granted, not when I wake up feeling so firmly and assuredly that HERE is where I belong, with you and to you.
Even in fear, even on our worst days, even after nights without decent sleep. Even in failure, both yours and mine, I wake up grateful to be where I am, next to you.
I will do everything and anything I possibly can to make sure that I never leave this place of belonging with you, belonging to you, next to you each morning. I’ve looked for too long and it means too much. You make my happy. You make parts of me feel alive that had been waiting for so long. The promise of our future together is endless and full of adventure, and I see us giving each other what we need in order to grow and be better.
I realize now my acts of submission start each day in the moment I wake, when I see you there and submit my heart and another day of my life to you.
Last night we had our August MAsT meeting. As I’ve mentioned before, our mentors and the hosts of our MAsT chapter have closed on their house and are going to be moving to Nevada soon. So our meeting was held at the new co-director’s home.
The topic was GLLA (Great Lakes Leather Alliance) Cram Session where we discussed all things GLLA. A number of our members have attended before and even competed in the contest(our mentors were previous titleholders for Great Lakes Master and slave and our other MAsT friends are currently running for the Master and slave titles as well).
It was great to hear their recommendations and their tips about the convention. Their excitement made us excited as this will be our first year attending. Although it sounds like there is so much to do that we would be interested in that we are going to lose out somewhere due to the lack of enough hours in the day. But I’m really just excited to see what it’s like and experience this event that our friends have just been talking up for ages.
I also think it’s good timing. Sir and I are ready to make some changes and tweaks in our dynamic and going to an event like this, learning and seeing so many different things, will definitely give us some good ideas, I’m sure.
It’s been 3 months now since Rufus the street cat had followed me home and become a permanent resident. He’s grown quite a lot since he first arrived which leads us to believe that he is still quite young. Being our first shared pet, I know we don’t do as great of a job as we could be. He always gets his two meals a day (leaving a bowl out all day, we realized quickly, would never work with him because he would just eat until it was gone - possibly because of his days on the street when food wasn’t guaranteed) although not exactly on time at 8am and 8pm. He’s gotten breakfast as late as 8:45 just because I’m so terrible in the morning. We don’t play with him as much as he probably needs either. We were functioning under the assumption that cats were pretty independent but Rufus needs more attention. I know and recognize this need just as I can honestly assess that we have not been as great about meeting those needs as regularly as possible.
When we first got him, I was quite good about maintaining his morning routine. I would remarkably wake at the first alarm without pressing the Snooze button and feed him the very first thing in the morning. Which, I have to say is pretty miraculous for me. I was proud of my consistency. I would tell myself that I would give Rufus the sort of consistency that I myself craved as a submissive. And it gave me a feeling of responsibility and accomplishment to perform well and provide him that.
Unfortunately, I started sliding on the routine and began pressing the Snooze button more frequently, or ask if Sir would feed the cat on mornings I’ve overslept and needed the time to get ready for myself instead. In the afternoons, I would allow my frustration at his growing lack of engagement with his toys to give myself an excuse to not try as hard to make the time to play with him with the kind of vigor that he needs. But really, I should be trying even harder to find toys that would activate his hunting drive and coax him to exercise more. As a result, I can tell that he’s restless and sort of wanders around the apartment without a sense of purpose, needy for our attention.
I see him and I feel bad because when I really think about it, isn’t that how I feel about D/s when our routine slides or isn’t abided? I lose focus and grow lazy and disengaged, but increasingly needy and restless. The little interactions that get squeezed in are no replacement for a fruitful, engaging, active, and productive routine for the cat and me in D/s.
Taking care of Rufus has also enlightened me and allowed me to empathize with how difficult it can sometimes be to make the time for active D/s. It’s frustrating to admit how easily vanilla life and everything else can creep in and allow you to make excuses for yourself. But for Rufus, he has needs that have to be met or else I don’t deserve him. In the same way, a D/s relationship and the people in it have needs. If the effort to meet those needs can’t be made, then you don’t deserve a fulfilling D/s relationship. Both of these things are active, living things - a pet and a relationship, that must be cultivated, exercised, challenged, grown, loved, and understood.
I need to talk to Sir about this.
I can do better. I will do better.
I may have mentioned it before, but our mentors (who are also the hosts of our MAsT group) are selling their house and moving to Nevada at the end of the month. We had been helping them out with the move over the past couple of months, though not as much as we’d like because of work and school. But because they want to buy a new motorcycle when they move, they have convinced Sir to buy their old motorcycle.
I won’t lie, I’ve been nervous about it. But I’ve wanted a motorcycle before and I understand the desire fully. Of course, being a librarian and researcher means I’ve looked up the information and am aware of the risks. The reasonable, logical part of me thinks that the possible negative outcomes are surely not worth the transient thrill. But I think it’s also important to support the desires and curiosities of your self and partner. It worries me, but I am swallowing that worry. As long as I know and can trust that he will not take additional risks, I think I can manage the fear.
To be honest, I’m also excited for him to learn so I can ride along with him. When they first offered to sell us the bike, I definitely started fantasizing about taking long rides together and exploring unknown vistas.
We paid off the bike last week. They dropped it off last night. The next opening for a motorcycle class is in October and that’s when Chief will take it. In the meantime, we are hoping he can get his permit before the end of the week so he can start practicing in lots and up and down our residential block.
Homemaking and Housewarming
When we got back from Austin we immediately set about finishing up with the unpacking in order to make our home finally looking presentable. Prior to leaving for Austin we had set a date for our Housewarming Party in order to motivate us to finally get things done expediently. The weekend after we returned, I started my second half of summer classes. The weekend after that was our Housewarming.
It was nice to have a deadline of the party to really motivate us to hustle. It was a great idea that Sir had. And it worked out really well. Granted, a lot of the unnecessary items that could wait to be unpacked were neatly shoved into the storage closet, our home was pretty impeccable when we finally had people over.
Due to my social anxiety, I was a wreck about the party. I was so worried and feeling responsible for everyone being entertained and getting along. Sir pointed out that these were unfair expectations for me to hold myself to and he gave me tasks to focus on during the party so that I wouldn’t stress myself into the ground. And it actually turned out really well! I was surprised! The party did exactly what a housewarming was supposed to do which was make our home feel warm with the laughter and fun of all of our friends. And everyone got along and the party naturally split off into intermingled groups eventually mingling all in the common area of the dining room where we spent hours talking with everyone while our friends all got to know each others. I’m still surprised by how well it went compared to the anxieties I had going into it.
Eventually, when our Dungeon is finished, we want to host a kinky housewarming where we can invite our lifestyle friends over but actually get to open the door to the dungeon room.
4th of July weekend, we went on our first long-driving road trip down to Austin, TX. We were there for a vanilla gaming and internet media convention but were able to coordinate and meet with the MAsT Austin chapter while we were there. Typically, we would not have been able to attend because we had not met their vetting criterion of meeting with the leaders prior to the monthly meeting. But they graciously accepted our letters of recommendations from the two MAsT chapters we frequent here in our area.
It was an eye-opening experience to meet with another MAsT group from a different region. They held their meetings in a way that was unique to what I was used to. But I found it very enlightening and educational.
I love being part of our local MAsT group. I really do. And for those interested in power exchange relationships, whether or not you are in one, I seriously suggest you check out your nearest chapter. Because I don’t feel comfortable in the dungeon or club-based munches and social groups because of the pick-up-and-play attitude that seems to pervade those settings, being able to meet with people who are interested in the dynamic and the interpersonal relationship as well as the physical, kinky, play aspects is so amazing and it’s a fulfilling part of the community to be a part of.
Additionally, it opens doors for when you travel across the country! I thought it was so cool to be able to meet with other MAsT chapters and feel that interconnected feeling of community even abroad. It’s so nice to be able to have that touchstone and affirmation of healthy power exchange being practiced no matter where you may go and knowing that the desire to share personal experiences and information to others goes beyond your geographical home-base community.
A heart’s a heavy burden.
I believe I am more fierce inside than I practice in the application of my life. So when I am reminded or catch a glimpse or a rushing whisper from my heart, it makes me feel all at once an exhilaration overwhelming joy mixed with a tiny strand of sadness that I had not been acting on these desires and needs all along. But life does that sometimes, I let life do that sometimes.
For the past few months, I’ve been focusing a lot on keeping the nose to the grindstone, emotionally, to help address the various rough patches that Chief and I had encountered or created. I had to address my part of those problems and work on it. I had to work on communication. I had to work on my own self-awareness and how I had been changing while I was not paying attention to my own self, motivations, and modus operandi. I had to fix some of this accidental evolution of my own behavior. I still am.
But for whatever reason, I’m starting to lift my metaphorical nose from the grindstone, seeing the reality of my life and relationship without the filter of the work we had been doing. And it’s beautiful and amazing, the seeds we had planted beginning to blossom. Honestly, it’s been a little bit overwhelming, in a silent and introspective way, to notice how great our love is, how amazing Sir is as a boyfriend and Dominant and partner, how profoundly my love has become for him.
It feels like we were excited and planted a garden before we knew the first thing about caring for a garden. We made mistakes and some of the leaves wilted, some of the branches died and when the emotional winter came, the plants became dormant while we spent our energy elsewhere, talking to each other, reading up, talking to others, going to events, going to classes, talking to each other some more, arguing, negotiating, defining, talking. And we’ve done all this prep and made all these changes just in time for the spring when the garden comes back to life and now we know how to handle so much of what we didn’t understand before. Why, what, and where to prune. Over-watering and under-watering, diseases, and pests. We don’t know it all, but we do know so much more. And my heart is flowering with the relationship as it grows.
This is all such a terrible way to describe it. This is one of those instances where my words are not enough to portray the depth and the newness of this feeling, the various facets of it, the wholeness of it.
I love my Sir. With all my heart. In a way that makes me feel vulnerable, trembling, and nervous about how wide, wide open it makes my heart seem.
Hey, if any of you beautiful folks are on a kink-friendly twitter, I’d love to check them out and follow you back. Reply with your twitter account.
Let’s be friends?
The other day, while Sir was at work and I was being a productive, busy bee at home, we exchanged some very sweet messages. I was missing him so much and just couldn’t wait for him to get home. Even though it was still a few hours until he would arrive, I got that excited puppy feeling just from thinking about being with him and I think that came through somewhat in my messages.
Then he gave me an exercise: to go to our dungeon (I still can’t believe we are lucky enough to have a spare room devoted to being our dungeon ^__^) and sit on the stool there for 5 minutes, eyes closed, and reflect on our power dynamic, our relationship, his love for me, and my love for him. I set the timer on my phone for 5 minutes and sat in the darkened room, doing what I was instructed to do.
It was so surprising how quickly I fell into the meditative mindset. I must have had so many thoughts and feeling waiting to be acknowledged in such a manner. Because I felt no distracting physical sensations like itches or tickles or discomfort. I closed my eyes and told myself what I was supposed to be thinking about and my brain unfolded itself in a series of flashes and emotions. Time flew by. Usually, exercises like that seem to stretch on and on into the silence when I think about guided meditations from high school gym class or even my own attempts meditate years before. But this time was so different.
I didn’t have to guide or push my mind along to continue being faithful to the exercise. My brain and my heart wanted this, it seemed, because it all came on its own. I thought about our beginning, like a movie montage of clips from our past - walking around Chicago in the winter for hours just so we wouldn’t have to part ways and go home, the feeling that was starting to grow in me then - the slightly scared and nervous exhilaration of falling for someone. I thought about the fact that we have had fights but mostly recalled the feeling of resolving those fights and feeling proud of him and us. I felt my own responsibility in those fights and found myself wanting to try harder, from now on, to be fair, to be less impulsive, to be less reactionary, to be more responsible emotionally, to be more careful and loving when it’s hard to be, when we are fighting, when we are struggling.
I felt my love for him bubbling up inside of me, like herbs growing more aromatic and strong in a boiling pot. The exercise was bringing it all up to the surface. My love had grown a little dormant, had settled a little, become comfortable but sedentary. It happens, I know. And it takes effort and attention to bring that back to life. But just this five minute exercise was enough. I love Sir so much. I really do. I think about where I was emotionally in past relationships during the year and a half mark and it was usually in a pretty rough patch or riddled with doubts about the relationship that needed to be assuaged. But that doesn’t happen here with him. If anything, I grow more sure about him about the fact that I want to be with him.
Love is a choice and I maintain that. Knowing that love is a choice, an active choice that you make with your words and actions, instills the sense of personal agency and responsibility. Love doesn’t just happen and continue to happen. It needs to be fed, it needs to be maintained, it needs to be a choice that you make regularly, consistently. He chooses me. And I choose him. In this 5 minute exercise, I was slammed with all the reasons why I would choose him again and again. He always tries to be the best him. And I was slammed with all the reasons why I want to be the best me I can be for him, the man who chose me - he who chooses me every night when he tethers me to his bed, our bed.
5 minutes. It felt like 20 seconds. But had the ramifications of months of loving edification. I doubt it will be that powerful every time. But I’m so happy that this first time was all that it had been.
I have begun to realize, far more keenly, how important the little moments are. I have written a lot about our missteps and the big arguments because those have greater and louder emotional repercussions. But the events of yesterday remind me that the stolen, unscripted moments when we reconnect during the day are more significant.
When I write, I reinforce the reality of what I am writing about because I must relive it in the writing. Like many people, I find it easier to write when things are effecting me negatively rather than positively because writing, for me, is catharsis. When something negative happens, I want to purge it from me and I do that by writing. When something positive happens, I horde that feeling into myself and it doesn’t get written. But when it doesn’t get written, it doesn’t get reinforced as a reality and when the positive experience gets forgotten in the pages of time and memory, there is no evidence in the actual book (or web) pages.
Power exchange requires effort, an effort that may be rewarded beyond your expectations, but an effort all the same. The mundane concerns of life can sometimes (or often times) steal attention and energy away from that effort and mindfulness. Work, school, home, friends - you have responsibilities in all these things and sometimes, unfortunately, juggling all the spheres of life may mean that you don’t get to devote as much time and energy to your power exchange as you want. This is why it’s important, I’m realizing more and more, to celebrate the little moments.
The other day, after Chief came home from work and needed to get cracking on his final paper for school, we made our plans for the evening: he would focus on his paper, I would finish and tidy up the mess I had made unpacking and organizing the dining room (it had become our dumping ground for all our boxes when we first moved in and there was a LOT we had yet to go through) and then I’d work on dinner for the both of us. At some point, I had walked into the office, where he was working, and he must have caught a look in my eye that I hadn’t known I was broadcasting. After a meaningful kiss, he ordered me to get on my knees then and there and he pushed the side of my head into him. Immediately I felt my submission and his dominance flood my senses. He praised me warmly and told me I was where I belonged. And I languished in the feeling. We had planned a few days earlier to scene for that night, but our schedules and responsibilities were not complying with our desires and I had known that and made my peace with it. But this unexpected moment of reinforcement, where our dynamic stole the spotlight in our list of vanilla responsibilities was significant. It made me feel loved. It made my need feel acknowledged. It made me feel loving and allowed me to love him in the way he needed it then, too.
Little moments say, “Yes, vanilla responsibilities are important, but this is important, too.”
… this http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/201312/can-jealousy-be-retroactive
… feeling deep melancholy when thinking how all of his meaningful firsts have gone to other women in his past.
… not feeling unique because his common physical expressions of endearment already comes with a story and the story is of his ex.
… knowing he thinks you are unique, but still feeling buried and rendered a little less significant under the weight of stories from his past.
… incredibly frustrating and damaging for a relationship.
… a seed that can grow wildly when ignored.
… rooted in insecurity/a lack of confidence.
… one of my weaknesses.
… something I need to learn how to manage and kill like a weed.
… an issue I need insight and help with.